27 going on 30

Reflections from a bad bitch birthday <3 and awkward ages

Happy Friday! We made it to the freaking weekend. I am ready to go pick up my paycheck and sit my black butt down this weekend. But I wanted to get you a Friday treat, I think this is starting to become a habit of consistency which I am enjoying. So here’s to the weekend and a little bit into my birthday. 

I turned 27 two months ago and I only cried a little bit. This is my first birthday away from home and the first time I have celebrated without seeing my closest friends or immediate family. It was pretty tough. My birthday always makes the new year feel a little on pause. Christmas, New Year’s, and a really bad bitch birthday have been an ongoing competition for what to focus on at the end and beginning of the year. This year, i am aware turning 27 is not deemed a “special” birthday, regardless, it felt special for me. Also, I am kind of over only celebrating major birthdays. What is that about?! This year I'm learning to let that go, as we continuously see the violence and disregard for human life this world has in many regions from Palestine to Sudan. Every birthday is a damn blessing. I have learned my lesson.

For this past birthday, I wanted to keep it simple but cute. I was recovering from a darndly thing called cedar fever, which has me congested and coughing not feeling cute at all. Fred made me breakfast, and then in the afternoon, we met up with my aunt and uncle who were in town visiting. We went shopping, I bought some new pieces mainly to wear something new for dinner later on. But since my family offered me a crisp $100 I think I blacked out a little bit. I was purchasing things a little more nonchalantly than if I were just spending “my own” hard-earned money. I have plenty of things to return. After this, we walked my school's campus and got some food truck tacos before coming home to relax before dinner. Dinner consisted of a gluten-free but sadly penne noodle bolognese pasta and a glass of wine with candlelight. Penne is my least favorite type of noodle, I could make a whole story about that, I like to think it's because I ate it so much growing up that I have truly reached my limit.

It was a beautiful time with my man, my man, my man. He continued to make me feel special and seen. I know that it has been an adjustment moving away from home. Throughout the day I found myself thinking about birthdays of the past. From time with loved ones to birthdays I was upset about like the time my dad forgot it was my birthday(It's okay Dad, all is forgiven). Birthdays have always been a fairly neutral occurrence for me. I admire folks who have yearly birthday traditions, consisting of things they do or wear. Maybe, I’ll start some of that one day. Growing up birthdays have always been a celebration, it didn't have to be big but full of love and hugs and kisses. So the fact that that was able to continue into this year, is something I acknowledge and appreciate deeply. 

In 3 years, I will be 30, I will have graduated with my master's and potentially en route to my Ph.D., married and who knows what else. Recently, my friend said something that I think has stuck with me, about time and how it feels different in different places. 30 is the year I always mentally thought about starting to have kids…girl what?!?! But it's true and I think about it all the time. My bodily clock. The fact that there has been a time taught and told to me is a good time to start. Now that that time is in sight it feels very surreal. I have been trying not to get too caught up on this but am nervous it is a new thing to worry about. People in their 30s often talk about this phenomenon. How turning 30 needs to have a more normalized and neutral presentation. It's interesting because I think the only people hyper-fixed on 30 aren't even 30 yet. Which means it is more of a thought compared to a feeling.

Although I am conscious of this time, I am not trying to let it dictate my decisions or next steps cause that is not something I want to do. But it has been an interesting revelation. It is truly interesting being at a point of not 30 and not 20. A kind of confusing feeling that feels more prevalent with each conversation. Often getting called young by professors and then old by 18-year-old students. I guess they are both right. 27 feels like an awkward age, which is an okay thing. Not something to dwell on as well as to take lightly.

This year I have gone back and forth with what my intentions are for the year, and I think they are slowly unfolding. Something I aim for with this newsletter is just continuing to get more consistent and continue to build. These things that continue to pop up deserve to be acknowledged as just that, things. By no means do I envision this as an opportunity to stress myself out and start adding more unnecessary fuel to my fire? Hell, I am still trying to work on drinking enough water every day, let alone have a baby. 

So here we are new year, same us and honestly doing the same goofy stuff. Keeping it simple and still keeping it cute while trying to not be unnecessarily in a panic. Wish me luck! 

I will see you soon with a piece about wedding planning and the ups and downs of it. Coming from someone getting married this year, while in grad school, with no money. Thinking I could maybe make this into some type of series, open to suggestions of course. :) 

With Love,

Ya Little Mama