So...I Quit.
exploring the idea of courage over comfort
I quit my 9-5 job about two weeks ago. This was my second time quitting this job. You read that right my “second” time. I quit my job the Tuesday after labor day. I feel like I completely blacked out for most of it. For some background, I have worked at an architecture firm for the past two years. It was my first job out of school, it was a somewhat easy decision deciding to work there. The company was courageous, small but mighty, had good people, felt comfortable, worked on fun local projects to name a few of the many things. It was a pride and joy to think of waking up and working and learning in the industry that I went to school for and something that I was passionately in love with. BUT THEN I met my new love and joy, working from home. DUNH DUNH DUNH.
When the pandemic happened I was the first in my office to openly say that I didn’t feel good comfortable coming into the office after the mask mandate. It sparked a conversation of mainly working from home for our entire office. It felt nice to speak up and feel heard especially within a situation as big as this one. I definitely struggled on and off, getting into a routine, tons of technical/computer issues but we eventually hit this sweet spot. I had time to work out and make myself breakfast in the morning without having to wake up at 5 am to have enough time to do all the same things. I was able to focus on my health and stop making excuses for taking care of myself. It was maybe the best that I had felt possibly since I started working. It felt like it went from transition to transition on top of the biggest transition which was working a full-time job.
I started to dread the transition back into the office, which made me feel a little ungrateful, immature and selfish for a while. I found myself trying to communicate with my office that I would like some sort of transition time to come back into the office, with getting into a new routine, taking care of two cats, hell taking care of myself. It just seemed so unrealistic so quickly. No one that I know of at my office felt the same and when I brought it up it was suggested that coming back into the office was the way to go. The whole interaction kind of left a bad taste in my mouth and I felt the continuous need to bring up that flexibility should be a conversation. I found myself consistently struggling to balance all of the same things I had just gotten in the groove of. I still am not sure why it was so hard. I feel I am still trying to figure it out.
I called it burnout but I don’t think that even does it justice. I was beyond tired every day, mentally, physically, you name it. I kept trying to get on top of it, trying new things, switching up my routine, strongly questioning if I am just depressed? Learning yes, I am a little depressed, and also that none of my different efforts seemed to work. I felt like a robot for a while, trying to get over it but knowing that in my heart, the spark had left and it was time to move on. For a while, I thought about leaving the design industry in general, which was pretty heartbreaking for me because doing design is my true passion. But I soon realized the way in which I thought about design had outgrown my current job. I had made my passion into my every day and tried to keep the same excitement that one has with a hobby.
I think there is a part of me that expected a lot from my job. There felt like such a disconnect from the world I was living into the office I was going into every day. It was unexpected and unclear for a while how to address this. Where the push and pull should be when it came to things I was passionate about or ideas that I had. But I knew that this environment was not one that I felt I was thriving in. This had been building up for a while and the transition back into the office was very eye-opening and a tipping point for me. This does not mean it made it any easier. I sobbed on my last day and for the following week. It is a scary decision, turning away a steady income, health insurance, stability, is not easy.
But I did it, I made the decision for the second time, only this time I followed through. I have not tried to look back although it has been hard. It is what I imagine a breakup with your first love is like. I find myself wondering if they are thinking about me, missing me, moving on? I’ll admit sometimes I do question myself about the decision. I think this is a normal thing to do and I have no doubts about my decision. Coming out of this situation I feel even more aware to trust my gut and remind myself what it is like to feel valued. It isnt verbal, it is shown.
Talk Soon,
Your Little Mama <3