Sometimes I Don't Like Being A Designer.

but i do love it.

I remember sitting at the top of a staircase when I was 7 or 8 and just being able to remember every building that I had been in. I kept thinking God what the heck am I supposed to do with this? I remember asking my friends and family if they had the same abilities as I and they didn’t. I thought I had superpowers. To this day I can remember every layout of every building that I have been in. Don’t know why, still but, here I am as an interior designer, so in a way, I kind of have always known I was gonna be a designer. Today for the first time in a while I really questioned design. The power of it, a lot of being in my head as to what I am doing? and is it enough? Is working at this design studio(which I enjoy) enough to bring me fulfillment? Enough to impact this world of design? Then I start to think about how much emphasis and pressure I put onto myself within this world that I’ve created in my head. Recently, design has been feeling really small for me nowadays.

It hurts to say that because it was my first love and I still very much love it. But I can’t get over the feeling of who or what am I designing for? Now for me, this is a somewhat new feeling, seeing as though I have never specifically pinpointed a dislike of a design as a whole before. To be more specific I realize I don’t like the overthinking that design causes for me. I have given this idea of doing and being more, so much power that I actually turned it onto myself, picking and pulling everything and anything that I don’t think I am doing well enough, or things that I already “should” know. I remember in therapy my therapist told me “should” is setting yourself up for failure. It is making room for disappointment and doubt. WHY IS THIS? Why is this way of thinking hitting so hard now that I am in the workforce? I never had such pressing thoughts in school.

My classmates and I held each other to such a high standard and for most if not every presentation we competed and we acknowledged the good and the bad in each other. This made me realize something I haven’t thought about before. Comfort. Design to me before this has been comfortable. I felt really comfortable with my classmates, comfortable making mistakes, comfortable being unprepared because I knew that we would also be there no matter what and that a bad assignment didn’t define me. This is not the case with a job. Couldn’t be further from this. This plays a major role in my psyche when I am sitting down to work. Most days I can glaze over it, or it is further pushed back but today was not one of those days. My mistakes were staring at me from 8:30 am-6:00 pm. It sucked. Mistake after mistake, it seemed like it wouldn’t end at one point I literally thought “ quitting might be easier than hearing I need to correct something else”.

Reading this back I see how harsh this way of thinking can be and trust me my therapist knows too. Acknowledging this idea has been helpful towards being able, to be honest with me and the team that I am working with. To a certain extent of honesty, you will not catch me going into crazy detail and everything I am fearful of but I will acknowledge more when I am feeling confused about an assignment and ask for more clarification, which helps calm some anxiousness. I will make sure to continue to ask more and more questions which I know will help clear my mind and overthinking. As well as realizing that becoming uncomfortable means that I am growing. Knowing that I will grow with this job and I will continue to grow outside of it. If I think about it like that and release the pressure of outcomes and perfection I don’t have any complaints.

What have you realized about working after school? Or just have you felt different working recently?

Lots of Love,

Rose