Thoughts on moving out and forward while crying.
Packing up because girl I got to go! and other revelations
I am coming to you this week, sharing some life updates. When I started writing this piece, I was packing up and still had months before moving. Now, I am finishing it as I am in my new home and new state. WILD! So here are some of my thoughts on moving away from home. Luv u, mean it!
My current relationship with change is one of complexity: some years ago, my whole life seemed like it was over, today, it is not nearly as dramatic. This by no means, means I don’t still find it to be intimidating, unpredictable, and exciting which results in my being overwhelmed and overthinking. But I do not see myself rethinking my whole life. It’s kind of new for me, I would say maybe since college, that I have found myself more hopeful compared to the old unstable doom and gloom. My more recent feelings can be allotted to the new unknown and the new distance that with this upcoming move will be the furthest, with a different state compared to a new street.
Recently I’ve been thinking about the inevitable consequences of change. How Both parties affected will face a new challenge and things out of their control. Unsure what to do but confident they will figure it out and at the very least, not alone. I find myself hyperaware that change does not always equal stability. So as, I am moving out of Ohio for the first time in my life, away from my family and friends you can imagine my reaction. Well, this is technically not my first time living outside of Ohio. My family lived in Iowa for about a year, I was in third grade and it was an okay time. Since I don't remember most of it, I would like to consider this to be my first time, thank you!
Although there is a looming feeling of it’s about damn time, it still feels reasonably surreal. I find myself daily trailing off in thought about this next chapter. About what I’m going to feel when I get there? If I’m going to like it? What I’m going to wear?! I buckle myself into this rollercoaster of what ifs and should amidst packing up all my life into boxes. Outside of the more mundane moving thoughts, I often think about the first deep breaths in new air, the first feeling of the warm sun on my skin, and the first book I’ll get to read in my new home.
Moving is so much damn work. I forget it until I have to do it again. You can get lost in it, forget the why, and maybe even start to doubt your decision. I’ve done all three! If you've moved, this might sound familiar and if you haven’t you can freaking imagine! Along with a change comes the many possible outside questions.
One I have consistently gotten about this upcoming move is, “Why not a local school?”, “Why not the many great options here in Ohio?” I used to get really frustrated at this. Feel the need to defend how I want to fly like the damn bird Nelly Furtado was singing about. This became a draining question that I found myself overexplaining. Until I realized the question, was just that. A question. Which means my answer can be just as simple. I simplified my response to “I made a choice that worked out for me”.
“Taken way before the Oscars slap”
This will smith clip has circulated for some time, and I remember the first time I came across it, a feeling resonated. I consistently struggle with making choices. I realize it is because of the reaction, the overthinking, the wanting to be right part of me. I realize that as I am getting older, I am now more than ever asked questions, that create a doubt within me. Now the main ones surrounding my current choice, feel so impactful that they make me doubt that decision and the overall move along with it. Until I had to start answering these questions often I don’t think I realized how much moving or a lifestyle change was on my mind. How much I was longing for a change. How I saw grad school as my opportunity to push the start button wholeheartedly.
This is something I consider to be a major action step. Something I am trying to put less words to for the first time in my life. Words like, how I have wanted to move since 2015 when I was pursuing an undergrad degree. I applied to two schools outside of Ohio, But it just ended up that I found the school I wanted to attend here which invited me to 4 more years in my hometown. I by no means saw Ohio as my end all be all but took my time in pursuing a new venture that felt like the right time and place for me. I didn’t often vocalize how staying here in Ohio felt like trying to paint a canvas with Crayola markers.
Grad school, is me walking towards these goals I have. A walk with my headphones in at full blast as I pass people and wave hello. Hopefully leaving some tracks along the way that will answer the many questions that pop up. I now know it isn’t my responsibility or my own expectation to have the right answers. To feel the fear of over or underexplaining. I instead want to show it. Even if you might not understand the steps I am taking or the order I am taking them, you see that I am still walking and taking the time to wave hello.
As I continue to pack, I think about my life here for the past twenty years. The many faces I have come across in that time. Those that I still see randomly walking down the street or in a grocery store. I think about how this won’t be the case where I am moving and how I will know no one. How weird or not weird at all, this might be. I see Ohio as my forever home. It is comfortable, confusing, loving, spacious, complex, and a fairly slow place to grow up. It is where I hold most of my memories good and bad. Where I have experienced rejection and love. It is complex, difficult, and downright special. It is a place I think you can grow out of or into. As has been the case for me and so many others.
I heard from a Tik Tok(I am 26 lol) talking about the importance of reflecting on your lifestyle when it comes to moving home. That stuck with me and brought some joy to my very complex and emotional thought of moving away from home. And thinking back on it my future lifestyle played a big role in my choice. Being in my late twenties, I feel more aware of what I want and need but still fairly open. I thought about who I am and want to be my lifestyle, and my habits as well as new environments to challenge myself and explore. I looked at schools all over the country as well as even internationally. After much time and research, I applied to three schools in NYC and one sporadically in Texas.
Currently, my Ohio lifestyle checks a lot of boxes that I am looking for. It is very loving, supportive, comfortable, and spacious. Which is a blessing, and a privilege to experience anywhere I live. I think this existing comfort made this lifestyle shift feel like I was jumping off a thirty-foot diving board into the unknown. I love this space I hold here, my experiences, our apartment, and the closeness to those I love. Thinking about leaving this is what brings me to tears. The unfamiliarity of this new distance and uncovering what it will look like, that I can't put words to just yet.
There is an unknown of what to expect in this new season other than that familiar and challenging change. There’s something about that, that brings me comfort and makes me feel less isolated. I am realizing more and more how communal this change is. How it’s so much more than one person or one instance. It is about time, growing and shifting amidst it and differently. Change solidifies that the moment has come and gone, another year has passed quicker than we can grab onto it and squeeze it tight. This routine of motion that we get into on a daily basis does add up to something.
So consider me in my getting mine while slowing down to soak it up era. An era of letting go of things out of my control and not pushing myself to find a reason. Instead of my usual frustration, I am trying to slow down and rely on this inevitable change. There’s a reason why we don't go back and forth in time. A reason we get to make the most of one day at a time. Sometimes to feel the impact of change it has to be drastic enough that it might spill into others and raise questions. I am letting that be okay. For me this change is to truly explore that deep happiness, that has felt paused for quite some time. So consider this the first step, full of tears and excitement but still moving forward.
This is my song of the moment right now. I love Lianne La Havas and this song is all about the release and process of dealing with a much-needed change.
Bittersweet summer rain
I'm born again
All my broken pieces
Bittersweet summer rain
I'm born again
Give it a listen if you want. :)
Thanks as always for reading,
XOXO Your Little Mama