Who is a Wedding For?
Today we are gathered in stress, headaches and people pleasing...
Happy June and Juneteenth to you all! The sun is out, summer classes are in session and I am trying to find my moments of peace where I can. This summer has been full of ups and downs, lefts and rights, and has given me more than enough to chew on for probably the next five years. It has been 3 months since I said I would share thoughts revolving around my wedding planning. The time taken in between was much needed. This week I am sharing some thoughts and insights surrounding my wedding. It has been a hell of a time. Enjoy :)
When it comes to weddings, they range from the most extravagant displays to an intimate story that gets told behind closed doors to one another. When I got engaged early last year, I didn't know where my path would take me on this vast but imaginative spectrum. It took me quite a while to wrap my head around it. To help, a few days following my engagement, one of my friends got me a wedding planner and notebook. This served as my first insight into what would soon become an internal reflection for the months to come. How much could The Wedding Planner with JLO have prepared me until now? Would it be enough?
Firstly, I want to acknowledge a harsh truth. Getting married is a business. It is a market full of consumers, products, and ideas. It is not a pure depiction of love; it might be far from it. Throughout this process, this discrepancy is what I have struggled with the most. How can what feels like a show showcase our love? It's brought into question who the wedding is for and how one gets married amidst this performance. I recently binged the second half of Bridgerton, and there is a moment in it where it is mentioned how a wedding is not for the bride or groom. The show is based on a fictional world, but that bit made me question my reality.
Over the past year, I have hesitated to share my wedding details. We have gone from a family event to an elopement, to a destination wedding, and now back to a family affair. We have been enthralled with budgets, colors, invitations, and florals. It has been a grand, messy whirlwind. There have been such high highs amidst the chaos and lows. It is one of the most stressful events I have ever participated in. At times, it has made me question whether it is worth it, necessary, and if it is what we still want. Amidst such a joyous time, it has been a feeling that is hard to pinpoint. Currently, it is still something we both feel very excited about. And no matter how we chose to go about the celebration, we knew we wanted to have a party of sorts regardless.
Fred and I have found a balance amidst the stress in many ways. Initially, it took me a while to wrap my head around why most of the questions had been directed to me compared to the both of us. I soon learned this was because I am the woman in this relationship. Most questions and wants are based on dreams I supposedly had as a little girl dreaming of my wedding. I was not one of those little girls. It seems that most, if not every, decision is based on the eye of a woman in a heteronormative relationship. All the marketing falls to the female or more feminine gaze. More than I expected, I am reminded I am a woman, and with that comes unequaled responsibility.
I quickly noticed that within this business side of wedding marketing, most, if not all, of the products are geared toward women. And to a large extent, I get it. Women have taste, style, and vision, often resulting in knowing what they want. I see this usually in my girlfriends. Dreaming big, accomplishing their goals, treading their path, and even in their uncertainties, approaching it with a different perspective than my male friends. I think this could be a slew of reasons, from societal conditioning to the many learnings in the environment we were raised. I find myself pretty open and clear at the same time over things I might like versus those that I don't. But even with that, I often get lost in the slew of options. Fred and I have chatted about how few people reach out to him, which makes the responsibility fall on me. Although we are navigating well with responsibilities now, it is still stressful.
Outside of this, I had only attended a handful of weddings, mostly distant family or friends, and needed to learn about costs, decisions, or venues. Both Fred and I's parents eloped. Fred's parents eloped and had a ceremony a bit later, but the thought of continuing this tradition felt sweet. An elopement centered and focused on just us. I dream about it less often cause I am very excited about the celebration of our day. But I can't help but think of how I felt such stress even with that choice. Is it escapable?
I've noticed that married people rarely talk about the proceedings without anything negative to say. A part of me feels like it's C'est La Vie and worry about it later. I think trusting the process might be the biggest way to overcome these potential worries and concerns. While the overthinker in me is like, who set these rules, and who is making millions off of me deciding to have a wedding? Despite the negative feelings I have for this highly marketable business, I do love a wedding. I know all of this hard work is the definition of a labor of love. I'm praying that by the time the day comes, these feelings are memories.
Talk Soon,
Ya Little Mama xoxo