From Tinder Tales to Wedding Plans

Musings on the teachings of love

When people share that they come from parents of divorce, what's your first thought? For me, it's always questions surrounding the musings of love and marriage.

I just surpassed my 6th anniversary with my fiance, and I still ponder coming from divorced parents. Also, you hear LOVE by Nat King Cole playing after you pass year 4, so hold on. For our anniversary, we made a nice pasta dinner, got a bottle of wine, and spent the night reminiscing about the years that seemed to be flying by. We started dating when we were 20 and 21, black, young, chunky, and full of love for one another. It feels like it was just yesterday we were in college, being RA's together and nervous to tell our boss about how we were dating. We are engaged, moved away from home, planning a wedding, and working hard. This time, stuff is crazy to me, sometimes.

While in this new yet steady phase, there have been new things on my mind, mainly reflections on past relationships and my future marriage. In the past, love was very black and white. My brain needed to find a way of understanding and defining something I had yet to experience romantically. Before Fred and I met, I highly avoided dating. The energy it seemed to date took was something other than what I felt equipped with and wanted to find. My friends didn't make it seem more manageable, with messy hookups, crying nights, and terrible first-date stories. Fast forward to now, I am deeply in love and think often and differently about love. The complexity and definitions of the fluidity of one's right kind of love continue to draw me in. Before that, it felt more like one size fits all, such a misconception on my part.

It has taken me a long time to wrap my head around what I need to feel love. The 5 Love Languages test was the only way I heard people talk about learning about oneself and love, which is sometimes lowkey helpful. But instead, how do I feel loved? What actions, thoughts, conversations, and feelings help to instill? Love has become more apparent, and I must acknowledge how much being in a relationship has taught me about myself and my loving habits. Reflecting on my dating experiences, I realize they laid a strong foundation for what I didn't want. By the time I met Fred, things seemed more straightforward than I could've anticipated.

When I first started dating, most of my romantic knowledge had come from rom-coms. So, I failed off the bat. I didn't have expectations other than being swept off my feet. I don't understand why that's so hard. My first dating experience coincided with my first kiss when I was 20. I went to summer camps throughout my college years, sometimes in the summer and other times in the winter. My first kiss was during the winter of 2016. Full of cold and icy paths, layers, hand warmers, and warm fuzzy boots. It was our last night at camp, and we were sitting around the fire pit, enjoying some beer and hot tea. We chatted about music, hometowns, and our favorite things about design. I remember a friend telling me about her love for Ratatat when I hurried in closer to a boy we would call Leo.

After we scooted in next to each other, my hand found its way under Leo's butt and his around my waist. We had been flirting on and off since camp had started, but this was the first time we acted on it. As the night ended, we still hung out and decided to brush our teeth together before bed. On our way to the shared bathrooms, we held hands, rustling through the leaves and giggling. Instead of separating into the men's and women's bathroom, we shared the bathroom, looking at each other in the mirror and nervous. Once we returned to our separate tents, he pulled me in and kissed me. I don't remember much about the kiss; I think it was okay. After denying him a night of making out and potential cuddles in his tent, I returned to my tent and told my tentmates, smiling ear to ear. The following day, he acted like he didn't even know me. Although we exchanged phone numbers, I texted him and got little to nothing back. So, I quickly and saltily moved on. I like to think he was missing out, but at the same time, looking back, I am glad it didn't work out.

After this, I paused dating, going from this little hiccup to not caring. Until I meet a guy, we will call him Charlie on Tinder. Wow, remember Tinder!? Is it still around? Charlie and I went on two or three dates before having our first kiss. It was wet. Yet somehow, I remember feeling dry afterward. The last time I saw him, he proceeded to tell me about taking a girl's "virginity" in between the time we had seen each other later. To his surprise, after that, I did not text him back. After this, I found myself no longer curious about the potential people out there. I envisioned studying abroad and having a summer fling/romance. Maybe I was watching too much sex and the city, but in my mind, pursuing men was becoming out of style.

It wasn't until I met Fred that I realized fear's role in my understanding of love. Previously, I had treated it as if turning away could shield me from my anxieties. I drowned in questions—about him, about myself. If Fred hadn't pursued me, I might still be single. Yet, deep down, I acknowledge that I feel adrift without him. It seems like fate brought us together, although this notion unsettles me. Relationships, in general, have always been daunting due to the vast possibilities they hold. Possibilities, inherently, are intimidating to me. This realization is constant now as I navigate school, plan our wedding, and enter this new phase of life. Constantly grappling with future possibilities is a frequent thought pattern.

It feels far-fetched to think of the people-pleasing tendencies that might exist within love. That is the case as we step further into wedding thinking and planning.

I know a truth resonating within me—an aversion to doing things a certain way. I think my understanding of love and this truth comforts me. As thoughts of marriage cross my mind, I envision departing from rigid expectations. The black-and-white potential evolved into a nuanced collaboration between Rose and Fred, where we define what suits us and what doesn't. Drawing inspiration from advice shared by recent newlyweds who emphasize the significance of prioritizing personal desires over trying to please everyone, I aspire to weave this insight into my decision-making process for wedding planning, marriage, and the broader landscape of love. For me, it is perhaps about navigating these choices and allowing these considerations to be my compass. I think that’s a love worth continuously fighting for.

This week, my favorite article I read was about the best book covers of 2023. It sent me down a rabbit hole of past writeups and sucked me into getting another NYT subscription. My last post talked about hair and all its complexities, thank you for all the kind feedback, it truly made my day. The post before that shared some of my ongoing research about glasses and racial aesthetics.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my writing. I still struggle with feeling like it is something I do, even though I love it, and it is often the highlight of my days when I sit down and write. Also, recently I have felt very aware that I call this a newsletter but it very much is a blog i think, idk we can come back to that. So thank you so much for sticking by no matter what I chat about or call it. <3. Feel free to share it on IG and Facebook, and tell your friends if you’d like.

I am currently on my winter break, ruminating and trying to relax, but I am still drawn to writing this, which is my favorite kind of work! So, I will talk to you potentially very soon.

XOXO, Your Little Mama